Vulnerability
Love can be frightening to men and women. It seemingly relieves all of us of our senses, at least temporarily, and we feel vulnerable. Nobody particularly likes feeling vulnerable. For men, this is aggravated by a conditioning which says that vulnerability is not permitted; they are supposed to be the “rock.” Is there any wonder, with this understanding, why men avoid relationships and commitment?
Women confuse men’s resistance to commitment with their projected beliefs that men only want to be free to have unbridled sex. To men, being vulnerable means the possible loss of oneself. This is a terrifying prospect. They fear that when vulnerable, their women will use this to somehow extort them into “rolling over and playing dead,” being subservient, like a dog. Real love would never want this, but many believe or fear that it will.
Then there is the question is it real love, or just someone to keep her from being alone? Men’s deepest fear is of being abandoned by love, and from personal experience I can say this can be deeply painful. Being powerfully vulnerable is what is needed – yes, another paradox. Who knew?
Love causes an awakening that allows us to lose our illusions about life. This can be viewed as frightening, especially if we are unaware we have other options.
For a man who has been taught to deny his own feelings for most of his life, the reintroduction of feelings must be done patiently and gently, with a great deal of open communication and understanding.
Men are conditioned to be warriors, which includes the directives to reject feelings. Men fight and die in wars to protect their families, and they hope for women’s love in return. Women must understand this, so they can forgive them for not being the complete, feeling being so many women desire.
Yes, they abuse their power and sometimes you – and this must change. However, you must stop nagging, deriding and complaining. This not only prevents relating to a man, it has the effect of closing him down, as he hears these complaints as saying he is wrong. This is the cracking of the emasculating whip of shame, creating the previously discussed shame cycles.
Women must find another way to reach men. Hey, what about love? The Neanderthal can learn, but women must remember that he is what your Inner Neanderthal desires. Yes, no matter how much make-up you put on it, women have one too. Honor him, be his partner, and guide him when necessary. You can reject his misbehaviors, but never make him wrong. You destroy his self-esteem, which lessens him and his ability to be what you want; this may be your intention based in stockpiled anger. But in so doing you make that part of you that you recognize and judge in him wrong. You shoot yourself in the foot
Most women want their men to be their “rock,” their hero and protector; reinforcing the quandary men feel. They are being asked to become a “feeling rock.” Men have no clue how to be both, as this seems contradictory to logic, an oxymoron; but like being “powerfully vulnerable,” it really is a paradox. However, it is easier said than done. Not that it is inherently difficult, just that the understanding needed to enact it has been conditioned out of us to the point that we don’t see the existence of any options. Women, you can help create this understanding.